Lazy Fuck-tards

At the beginning of each month I make my daily rounds to the Post Office at 17th and Main Streets in Little Rock. And at the beginning of each month I get to witness the one thing in this world that truely sets me the fuck off. I see long lines of people waiting to enter the post office to get their check. Yep....that big ole gub'ment welfare check. Welfare is not the reason that this irritates me per se, but the people recieving them and for what reasons they are on welfare to begin with. Don't get me wrong, I really do hate our welfare system. I hate it for the same reasons that I hate snakes and spiders. I mean, I realize that they are necessary, but boy do they fucking suck. And before you start getting steamed up...just give me a moment to explain. See, the truth is, welfare is needed to some degree. I am all for subsidizing certain peoples income levels in this country. Take a single mother with a college education and four kids for example. Maybe her husband hauled ass to Mexico with his secretary and left her to look after the kids. If she is working a 9 to 5 and cannot afford to feed, clothe, and provide child-care, she should be subsidized. All cases should be appropriated on a case by case basis. If a young girl has four kids from four different men and no education, then put stipulations on her. I realize we can't let her children starve. It is not their fault...they are just a product of their environment. I think that we, and our government should take care of three groups of people. Period. We should look after our nations children, disabled, and elderly. But the rest of these fucking people need to go. I mean...get the fuck out of here with your lazy asses. Every month when I pull up to the post office I see dozens of able-bodied people getting those checks. MY FUCKING CHECKS. I fucking paid for them! I see plenty of teenage girls hauling four screaming kids to check their P.O. Boxes. I also see dozens of 20-30 year old men driving their granmamma's up to the curb and walking them inside. You want to know why? Because granmamma is going to start handing out cash as soon as it gets to the bank. THAT my friends should piss you off. And if it doesn't...you fucking suck too. Everytime I pull up to an intersection and see some jack-ass holding a sign for food I get irritated. For instance, my friend Scott Wheetley and I were stopped by a vagrant while walking out of the Hillcrest Fountain a fews years back. He was a white guy, in his late twenties, and asked us for some money. When we refused, he responded by saying FUCK YOU! Really? Fuck ME? Listen here faggot! Get a fucking job you fucking loser! Why can't a healthy young guy get a job? Cause he is a lazy fuck. If these people are hungry they can get a hot meal and a shower at the Union Rescue Mission. But they won't go there because you have to be sober to be allowed to enter. And there lies another problem...the drugs...but we will save that one for another day. Why in the hell can't these people work? Because they are fucking lazy....AND because they don't have to. They don't have to because we have made it so easy for them to live sufficiently without having to do a goddamn thing. And I know that those reading this think that I am only talking about black people. I am talking about them but I am also talking about white people and hispanics as well. Because this actually is NOT a black problem. It is a problem for all of America's poor. We have made it a problem by giving them handouts for sixty years. People have no incentive to work. Why fucking work when you can get things for free. As for solutions to this...well, I really don't know. I would like to sterilize welfare recipients and drug test them. That would be a start. Take a piss test and you can get your check. And If you do not hold down a job...then no money for you. You have to work to get a check...any kind of check. No more sitting around the house or walking around the neighborhood all day. Get to work you lazy fuck-tards!

"Don't Cry for Me Argentina"

I have decided to write about the World Cup for this weeks blog. And when talking FOOOOTball, who better to write or talk about than that lovable piece-of-shit Diego Maradona. Yes, THAT Diego Maradona. The "Hand of God" Maradona. The "cocaine and whiskey soaked" socialist asshole Maradona. And yes, he is back to his old tricks again in South Africa, this time as the coach of Argentina. Only one week into the tournament and he has already vowed to run naked through the streets if they win the cup....OH, and he has also already run over a reporter with his car. Let's go back a bit. As many people already know... Diego was, at one time, the greatest player in the world. He was an international junior star, a world cup winner, and one of the first millionaire players. With that being said, not everyone knows about what a historic piece of shit he was and is. He was a cheater, a criminal, a coke-head, and an unapologetic socialist tyrant. Those who are even the most casual of soccer fans like myself, know Maradona for the "Hand of God". This "Hand of God" occured in the 1986 World Cup match against England. The match was emotional for both sides because of the earlier Faulkland Islands War between the two countries just a few years before. The "War", if thats what you want to call it saw the British stomp the ever-living shit out of a much inferior Argentine military. It was more of a conflict that saw Argentina flex it's girly muscles just long enough for the Brits to throw some lead, laugh, and threaten to call in Ghurkah regiments to finish the job. As predicted, Argentina folded and cried all the way home to do what they do best....tango and play soccer. Well you see... what happened was...in the heat of the match, Maradona broke free from defenders, slipped into the box, and PUNCHED the ball into the net. That is what they call a HAND BALL. And yes, it is illegal in soccer. The worst part, other than not being called, was the fact that he later admitted to doing it on purpose. It was the only way to get the ball into the net...by cheating. Soccer is not the only thing he cheats in. It was also recently reported that he still owes over 37 million euros in back taxes in Italy. Should we give the guy a break? He did own up about the goal against England and he did repay 42,000 and a couple of watches for the back taxes. I say hell no. Let's see...Should we talk about his legendary cocaine abuse and affinitiy for prostitues? Sure we can. Next to maybe Waylon Jennings and Pablo Escobar, Maradona was probably the biggest coke-head on the planet. He finally tried to turn that side of his life as well...only to go to rehab in Cuba and be photographed snorting rails with a whore while in the facility. Also, while in Cuba he became best buds with Fidel himself. He now sports tatoos of Castro and uber-fuck Che Guevara. Over the last few years he has cozied up to Hugo Chavez as well. He went on-air with Chavez in Venezuela cursing The United States saying... "I hate everything that comes from the United States. I hate it with all my strength." Well, the man is entitled to his opinion but that still doesn't make up for the fact that he is still an uneducated loser fuck. So...I guess what it all comes down to...it will all be played out this summer in South Africa...on his stage...The World Cup. And my bet is that win or lose, there will be Diego Maradona, with a zulu hooker...naked and honking up three foot rails of whiff with a vuvuzela...crying and wanting the world to give him another chance.

The Ugly Truth

I, like many of you, hate ugliness. I hate ugliness in politics, nature, humanity, and well, pretty much all of the ugliness in the world. But what truely sets me the fuck off is the ugliness that we can truely do something about. That would be getting rid of all of the ugly people in the world. Yep, that's it! Just breed those ugly fuckers right off the face of the Earth. It should be a crime against humanity for two hideously ugly people to procreate and make an even uglier baby. Why? Because these poor unfortunate people have actually no chance in life. It will be even harder for them to find someone special. In fact, with every procreation of an ugly couple, it makes it more and more difficult for their children to lead normal, happy and productive lives. I honestly think that it is sad in many ways. These kids grow up feeling left out and wishing they were someone else. If you were to hire someone for a new position in your office, would you hire a mildly retarded hot blond or an intelligent fugly sea-donkey? Uhhhh.....uhhhhh....yep! But the saddest part is the fact that their chances of finding a mate at some point in their lives is reduced exponentially. And why? Because the truth is....nobody likes to look at an ugly person all day. Not even ugly people. See, the point is, even a discustingly ugly person thinks he/she is somewhat attractive...but in no way do they think that the booger-eating mess sitting next to them is attractive AT ALL. The solution to this is simple. Make it illegal for them to have children. (This is also my solution to stupid people but I will save that for another day). Sterilize them all, and in return for their suffering, give them great government jobs with excellent benefits. Just send them to work in one of those NORAD bunkers buried in some mountain in Colorado Springs and be done with them. All of this, and in return, we get to go about our lives seeing prettiness everywhere. Then I can live without feeling bad for these people and not have to lose my appetite everytime I leave the house.

Silly Kids

I used to hate kids. Why? It's simple. They are little fucking brats. You have to do EVERYTHING for them. You have to feed them, bathe them, tie their shoes, and wipe their asses. I once told a girl at Ray Winder Field, while I was parking, to tell her kid to get his greasy fucking hands off of my BMW. Another time I poured a beer over the head of my niece Drew, when she was four, for messing with my shoes under the table. My dear twin sister has had many words with me over the years about how I refer to her children. But, I have come to learn that kids can be pretty cool. In many ways, kids are a lot like dogs...or even dolphins for that matter. They're real hams. The honesty that they bring, while frightening at times, is wonderful. They will tell you what you do or do not want to hear. They'll tell you how fat your ass looks in those jeans, how that comb-over looks stupid, how bad your grandmother's spaghetti really sucks, or simply how much they adore you. They adore you because they need you. In the same way that your dog needs you for your for grooming, feeding, watering and throwing toys that actually squeak. (They'll need you until they either get their tuition cut off for getting pulled over with a bong in the back seat or they get married and start having kids of their own). Also, kids like attention...and like I said...they'll really ham it up. Acting silly and doing stupid yet mildly entertaining tricks are what they are all about. But it is when you ARE NOT watching or paying attention that they really become cool. It is at this point that their real self begins to show. The funny and sweet parts start to really come out. This is where children are at their best. When they are no longer pretending and just being. Just being....well, cool.

What's in a name?

Lady in Car: What are you gonna name it?
Alison Bradbury: What?
Lady in Car: The baby.
Alison Bradbury: [realizing she's faking being pregnant] Oh, the baby. Well, if it's a girl, Cynthia, and if it's a boy, Elliot.
Lady in Car: Those are lovely names.
Walter (Gib) Gibson: Elliot? You're gonna name the kid Elliot? No, you can't name the kid Elliot. Elliot is a fat kid with glasses who eats paste. You're not gonna name the kid Elliot. You gotta give him a real name. Give him a name. Like Nick.
Alison Bradbury: Nick?
Walter (Gib) Gibson: Yeah, Nick. Nick's a real name. Nick's your buddy. Nick's the kind of guy you can trust, the kind of guy you can drink a beer with, the kind of guy who doesn't mind if you puke in his car, Nick!
[Alison looks disgusted]
Walter (Gib) Gibson: [to Lady in Car] Oh, vomit. I'm sorry. Vomit.

What IS in a name? These days I am really not sure. The names people give their children fucking amaze me. Very few people in America are going with traditional American names (the one's borrowed from our days on THE continent). Names such as John, Fred, Joseph, James, Mary, Anne, Sarah, etc. You know...the judeo-christian-anglo shit that we have been naming our children for centuries. For many generations the only names we thought were odd were immigrant names like Giuseppi, Pierre, Antonia, Lucia, and Jesus....NO...Hay-zeus....not Jesus...and who the fuck can get away with naming their kid Jesus? The latinos can. Why? Who knows...it is an enigma of sorts. Black American's were the first to seperate themselves from traditional anglo names. I guess I understand the fact that they no longer wanted to name their children the names that former slave owners bestowed upon their families for generations. Names such as Hank, Tom, John Henry, and Harriet have all but disappeared. The names of African-Americans in American literature are gone. Today the names are mind-boggling. Names like D'Anderique, Rajerion, Deontae, Germicia, Sequinthia, Lemunia, Sharquincia, Quinflukia, and Shontae are enough to leave not only white people, but ALL people speachless. And white people are naming their children more and more after the bullshit that they see in the movies. I believe it all started in the early 1970's. The fucking hippies began this shit by naming their kids Star, Moon, and Rainbow. Suburban middle-class white folks also wanted to seperate themselves from all the masses by getting creative with names that they saw on television. Hollywood writers got bored with always naming their characters Jim and Maryanne so they started naming them Shawna and Jennifer and Jason. Today these names make up half of the people I know. I bet I know 37 Jennifers and 190 Jasons. Today the trend is continuing. Half of the white kids in this country under the age of 15 are named after the characters on that cheerful little show we all love called "Friends". Personally I hated that fucking show so those names irritate me even more. I refuse to even repeat the names because I will be an outcast in society for offending all of my friends who named their kids those names. I will be an untouchable or undesirable as people in India call their misfits. And the same rings true for black America...How many kids in 10 years will be named Shaquille, LaBron, and Barak? Well, I am not really sure, but I would bet the house that it is going to be monumental. As for me, if I ever have kids they will be named old family names. Rather than name my son Sue (which I would rather do...but won't), I will probably go with Hubert Franklin. Yeah..yeah...go ahead and laugh. He will get his ass kicked a few times but it will make him tougher. It was my grandfather's and uncle's name and they are dead. I will call him Hugh.

10 Most Dispicable Americans 2010 (non politician category)

10- Jeff Zucker- President and C.E.O. NBC Universal Entertainment

Pros: Small town All-American guy. Grew up in Homestead, Florida. Attended Harvard University. Worked his way up through the ranks at NBC. Cancer survivor and devoted husband and father of four.

Cons: Puppet whore for parent company General Electric. Sold out his former best friend and college roommate Conan O'Brien.

Bottom Line: Where does one begin? Mr. Zucker has successfully run NBC into the ground. Is it his fault? No. But he gets the blame for his 5 million dollar plus salary/comp package. He's the perfect puppet for brass at NBC/GE. Spineless and money hungry, Zucker gets to be the ass-clown for the globilization driven eco-friendly empire at General Electric. Before Mr. Zucker took the reigns, NBC controlled network television ratings from the Today Show to Nightly News to prime time to Late Night. Prime time shows such as The Cosby Show, Cheers, Seinfeld, Friends, Law and Order, ER, and dozens of other shows dominated the scene for 20 years. The ever-so greedy and money hungry folks at GE found their man in Zucker. The worst case against Zucker so far is when he screwed over his former best friend Conan during the Late Night shows dibacle of 2010. He never had the decency to even shoot straight with O'Brien. He ducked and ran and never answered his phone calls....(presumably). The "green" network better slide a bit to the right or eventually the center-right people of this country which make up 70% of their audience. Soon they will start to figure it out and choose not to watch at all....they may even choose to quit buying those ovens and appliances as well.

Sentence: No sentence for Zucker...we'll let him off for time served. Getting sodomized by the top-brass at GE has been hard enough for the guy.

I think my neighbor saw my pecker

Those who know me and know me well, understand that I undergo a transformation somewhere between beers number 6 and 8. It is like a molting process where I go from Ned Flanders to Homer Simpson in about 45 minutes. I don't know when or where all of this began, but it is obviously here to stay. Fortunately for myself and others around me, I rarely drink hard liquor. My mother says that I too immature to drink the hard stuff. Besides, beer gets me in enough trouble as it is...physically, emotionally, criminally, etc. About the only consolation to this is the fact that some 90% of my friends, family, and colleagues are on the same sinking ship that I have boarded. We all know the old "once you pee you break the seal" deal. Well, I am not sure if it is a shrinking bladder or enlarged prostate due to the aging process, but beer runs through me like shit through a goose. It is probably both, but I will probably never know because I will never have my prostate checked again since its' initial milking back in 2002. I will spare the reader the details.
Since Christian and I have moved into the new house I don't go out as often. I do not frequent my barstool at Canon Grill nor my space in the back corner of the Hillcrest Fountain on a nightly basis. I tend to do much of my drinking at...get ready for this...HOME. I have been spending some of my evenings drinking beers and cursing the news with my dog Zooey. Zooey sits and growls at the local wildlife and constantly begs to go outside for no reason but to irritate me. Every 30 minutes or so I give in and let her out...and this is when I go out to smoke and make sure she doesn't fall in the pool. And no, she can't swim. For some reason, the second that I light a cigarette and step outside, I have to urinate. Why? I'm not sure but I kinda covered that earlier. The problem that occurs is the fact that somewhere between my sixth and eighth beer, I lose all inhibitions and piss outside. Even though my bathroom is three meters away, I would rather go outside. Well, you see, I have neighbors...really nice neighbors. The all-american textbook neighbors. We'll call them...say Jim and Betty...They are such well-rounded goodie goodies that it is enough to make one vomit. They don't appear to drink, cuss, or do any of the things that make me an asshole. Complete with flower boxes in the windows and a bright and shiney Saturn in the driveway. Not to mention a Jesus statue in little Billy's bedroom window. Well, last week while I was taking the dog out and having a smoke I...whipped IT out... with smoke and beer and mister you-know who in hand. And in mid-backstretch, burp, and exhale...Betty saw my pecker. Yep, she was planting some flowers right at dusk. What did I do you might ask? I simply smiled and raised my beer. Here's to beer and here's to nice neighbors.