"Don't Cry for Me Argentina"

I have decided to write about the World Cup for this weeks blog. And when talking FOOOOTball, who better to write or talk about than that lovable piece-of-shit Diego Maradona. Yes, THAT Diego Maradona. The "Hand of God" Maradona. The "cocaine and whiskey soaked" socialist asshole Maradona. And yes, he is back to his old tricks again in South Africa, this time as the coach of Argentina. Only one week into the tournament and he has already vowed to run naked through the streets if they win the cup....OH, and he has also already run over a reporter with his car. Let's go back a bit. As many people already know... Diego was, at one time, the greatest player in the world. He was an international junior star, a world cup winner, and one of the first millionaire players. With that being said, not everyone knows about what a historic piece of shit he was and is. He was a cheater, a criminal, a coke-head, and an unapologetic socialist tyrant. Those who are even the most casual of soccer fans like myself, know Maradona for the "Hand of God". This "Hand of God" occured in the 1986 World Cup match against England. The match was emotional for both sides because of the earlier Faulkland Islands War between the two countries just a few years before. The "War", if thats what you want to call it saw the British stomp the ever-living shit out of a much inferior Argentine military. It was more of a conflict that saw Argentina flex it's girly muscles just long enough for the Brits to throw some lead, laugh, and threaten to call in Ghurkah regiments to finish the job. As predicted, Argentina folded and cried all the way home to do what they do best....tango and play soccer. Well you see... what happened was...in the heat of the match, Maradona broke free from defenders, slipped into the box, and PUNCHED the ball into the net. That is what they call a HAND BALL. And yes, it is illegal in soccer. The worst part, other than not being called, was the fact that he later admitted to doing it on purpose. It was the only way to get the ball into the net...by cheating. Soccer is not the only thing he cheats in. It was also recently reported that he still owes over 37 million euros in back taxes in Italy. Should we give the guy a break? He did own up about the goal against England and he did repay 42,000 and a couple of watches for the back taxes. I say hell no. Let's see...Should we talk about his legendary cocaine abuse and affinitiy for prostitues? Sure we can. Next to maybe Waylon Jennings and Pablo Escobar, Maradona was probably the biggest coke-head on the planet. He finally tried to turn that side of his life as well...only to go to rehab in Cuba and be photographed snorting rails with a whore while in the facility. Also, while in Cuba he became best buds with Fidel himself. He now sports tatoos of Castro and uber-fuck Che Guevara. Over the last few years he has cozied up to Hugo Chavez as well. He went on-air with Chavez in Venezuela cursing The United States saying... "I hate everything that comes from the United States. I hate it with all my strength." Well, the man is entitled to his opinion but that still doesn't make up for the fact that he is still an uneducated loser fuck. So...I guess what it all comes down to...it will all be played out this summer in South Africa...on his stage...The World Cup. And my bet is that win or lose, there will be Diego Maradona, with a zulu hooker...naked and honking up three foot rails of whiff with a vuvuzela...crying and wanting the world to give him another chance.

The Ugly Truth

I, like many of you, hate ugliness. I hate ugliness in politics, nature, humanity, and well, pretty much all of the ugliness in the world. But what truely sets me the fuck off is the ugliness that we can truely do something about. That would be getting rid of all of the ugly people in the world. Yep, that's it! Just breed those ugly fuckers right off the face of the Earth. It should be a crime against humanity for two hideously ugly people to procreate and make an even uglier baby. Why? Because these poor unfortunate people have actually no chance in life. It will be even harder for them to find someone special. In fact, with every procreation of an ugly couple, it makes it more and more difficult for their children to lead normal, happy and productive lives. I honestly think that it is sad in many ways. These kids grow up feeling left out and wishing they were someone else. If you were to hire someone for a new position in your office, would you hire a mildly retarded hot blond or an intelligent fugly sea-donkey? Uhhhh.....uhhhhh....yep! But the saddest part is the fact that their chances of finding a mate at some point in their lives is reduced exponentially. And why? Because the truth is....nobody likes to look at an ugly person all day. Not even ugly people. See, the point is, even a discustingly ugly person thinks he/she is somewhat attractive...but in no way do they think that the booger-eating mess sitting next to them is attractive AT ALL. The solution to this is simple. Make it illegal for them to have children. (This is also my solution to stupid people but I will save that for another day). Sterilize them all, and in return for their suffering, give them great government jobs with excellent benefits. Just send them to work in one of those NORAD bunkers buried in some mountain in Colorado Springs and be done with them. All of this, and in return, we get to go about our lives seeing prettiness everywhere. Then I can live without feeling bad for these people and not have to lose my appetite everytime I leave the house.

Silly Kids

I used to hate kids. Why? It's simple. They are little fucking brats. You have to do EVERYTHING for them. You have to feed them, bathe them, tie their shoes, and wipe their asses. I once told a girl at Ray Winder Field, while I was parking, to tell her kid to get his greasy fucking hands off of my BMW. Another time I poured a beer over the head of my niece Drew, when she was four, for messing with my shoes under the table. My dear twin sister has had many words with me over the years about how I refer to her children. But, I have come to learn that kids can be pretty cool. In many ways, kids are a lot like dogs...or even dolphins for that matter. They're real hams. The honesty that they bring, while frightening at times, is wonderful. They will tell you what you do or do not want to hear. They'll tell you how fat your ass looks in those jeans, how that comb-over looks stupid, how bad your grandmother's spaghetti really sucks, or simply how much they adore you. They adore you because they need you. In the same way that your dog needs you for your for grooming, feeding, watering and throwing toys that actually squeak. (They'll need you until they either get their tuition cut off for getting pulled over with a bong in the back seat or they get married and start having kids of their own). Also, kids like attention...and like I said...they'll really ham it up. Acting silly and doing stupid yet mildly entertaining tricks are what they are all about. But it is when you ARE NOT watching or paying attention that they really become cool. It is at this point that their real self begins to show. The funny and sweet parts start to really come out. This is where children are at their best. When they are no longer pretending and just being. Just being....well, cool.