Silly Kids

I used to hate kids. Why? It's simple. They are little fucking brats. You have to do EVERYTHING for them. You have to feed them, bathe them, tie their shoes, and wipe their asses. I once told a girl at Ray Winder Field, while I was parking, to tell her kid to get his greasy fucking hands off of my BMW. Another time I poured a beer over the head of my niece Drew, when she was four, for messing with my shoes under the table. My dear twin sister has had many words with me over the years about how I refer to her children. But, I have come to learn that kids can be pretty cool. In many ways, kids are a lot like dogs...or even dolphins for that matter. They're real hams. The honesty that they bring, while frightening at times, is wonderful. They will tell you what you do or do not want to hear. They'll tell you how fat your ass looks in those jeans, how that comb-over looks stupid, how bad your grandmother's spaghetti really sucks, or simply how much they adore you. They adore you because they need you. In the same way that your dog needs you for your for grooming, feeding, watering and throwing toys that actually squeak. (They'll need you until they either get their tuition cut off for getting pulled over with a bong in the back seat or they get married and start having kids of their own). Also, kids like attention...and like I said...they'll really ham it up. Acting silly and doing stupid yet mildly entertaining tricks are what they are all about. But it is when you ARE NOT watching or paying attention that they really become cool. It is at this point that their real self begins to show. The funny and sweet parts start to really come out. This is where children are at their best. When they are no longer pretending and just being. Just being....well, cool.